God, it’s been a year since I’ve blogged. It’s been a funny old couple of years. As you know, my mental health fell off a cliff and it’s all been quite the adventure in one way or another.
For a few months now I’ve been determined to make real, positive changes. Not just with my illness but with life in general. Some big, some minuscule, some in between.
So for starters I go to two group therapy sessions a week. One is for general life stuff around my bpd, and the other is what I affectionately call ‘Drunk Club’. I’m loathe to call myself an alcoholic (said every alcoholic ever..) but my drinking patterns have tended towards the destructive, shall we say, and this group (not AA) is to do with addressing that.
So here’s a little overview of my recent changes. Or as I like to say, my Life Unfucking Manifesto.
Part one is that since September I’ve been walking the Littlest Chum to and from school. It’s a mile either way, so four miles in a day. I take the dog with me and often walk on afterwards to get more steps in. My bossy FitBit keeps me motivated with this, and it’s great to see my steps and activity levels clock up. To be completely honest that’s mainly because the dvla said I couldn’t drive anymore, but I’m taking my wins where I can. And enforced exercise is still exercise, right?
I’ve also finally pulled my finger out and got my bus pass sorted (one of the few perks of being a Bonker), so the world is my oyster (well, the country, technically, but more realistically West Sussex).
One bigger change has been my epic decluttering of the house. In the first two weeks of January I have de-shitted our entire house. It’s wonderful. Oh my actual god in a biscuit tin though at the amount of useless tat we had hoarded. I have quite literally filled our garage up with stuff for either the tip or the chazzer (that’s a job for another day…). I was ruthless. Somewhat unbelievably our house has been clean and tidy since. Our bedroom in particular is a joy to behold, and I treated myself to lovely new curtains and bedding so it looks well posh.
My alcohol consumption is well underway to being completely in hand. Each week I set myself targets for drinking days/amount and this approach (rather than total abstinence) is really working out for me.
Another hot topic has been trying to budget. I’m a terrible TERRIBLE spender, and although we’re not in dire straits it’s something I wanted to get a handle on. For the last few months we’ve transferred a set amount into a ‘spends’ account and that has to last the month. This has worked out well, and means that without my indiscrimate frittering we have lots of fun money to do stuff with the kids. I even went to IKEA last week and only spent £20. It’s the new me…
On that track, I’ve unfucked lots of financial things. Switching our mortgage, selling unwanted stuff, making sure we have the best deals on everything we pay for or receive. It took very little time and was well worth it. We’ve saved a small fortune.
I’ve also adopted the attitude of JFDI. Just Fucking Do It. If it’s a job that will take less than five minutes (phoning the dentist, emptying a bin, putting a wash on) I do it there and then instead of adding it to my big list of ‘things to think about later’. It’s not working perfectly but I reckon it will soon be second nature. It’s anathema to my dark procrastinating soul but as a fully fledged member of the Lazy Arse Brigade it’s a life saver. Lots of five minute jobs instead of a whole day of working through a to do list. What’s not to like?
What else? Little things like getting enough sleep. Only eating cheesy chips once or twice a week. Knowing my limits, so if I’ve had an action packed few days I have to (and I mean have to, Rob enforces it!) spend a day on the sofa watching Netflix. Equally if I’ve had a few days bingeing The Good Wife and not getting dressed properly, I’m being much better at telling someone and doing the steps I’ve learned (mindfulness, self care, writing lists of positives). Basically managing my highs and my lows in a sensible way. Setting little goals for the bad days, and I’m talking about ‘have a shower’, ‘answer the phone’, ‘eat lunch’ kind of goals. It’s game changing.
There’s other things going on that are a work in progress, like trying to be more present in my own life. This involves engaging with people, doing more stuff with the kids, arranging things with friends and family and generally putting myself out there a little bit more. I went away last weekend (for a sad occasion though) and spent time with my lovely cousins and aunts and uncles. Six months ago I would have made my excuses but I pushed through and it was well worth it to reconnect with those loved ones I only see rarely. Rob and I have accepted invitations out with friends over the next few months. I’ve been out for lunch and shopping a few times with my parents. Basically I’m trying very hard to get back out in the world instead of hiding away indoors and only spending time with my online friends (whom I love very very much and who have helped me through the last couple of years in all sorts of ways). No more Hermit Sam.
I literally wouldn’t be here today without my Lovely Rob. So another part of my restructuring has been to try and take back the slack I landed him with while I was proper ill. So although he still makes all my coffees (because I do have to have some Diva-ness about me…) I do occasionally make him cups of tea. I do pretty much all of the cooking again and I’m keeping our house in order (literally and figuratively) by keeping on top of shit. I’m trying to make sure he has equal down time to me. He’s been an absolute fucking saint to put up with me, I’ve either completely absented myself from life or been on madcap schemes and missions that cause us all drama. Not fun for him. But he’s never wavered.
So that’s where I’m at. Nowhere near perfect but I hope I’m a damn sight better than I have been for a while. This year is going to be a good year, where we celebrate the good and tell the bad to fuck off and do one.
I got this.
Laters potaters xx