I haven’t posted for a while because I haven’t been in a good place. I’ve been mired in depression for over a year now and although I feel like I’m on the way out of it it’s been a long old slog.
One of the things that’s come out of this latest visit by the black dog, after a lot of intervention, is that underlying it all I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve no idea why it wasn’t diagnosed before, although it’s been mentioned for years. Now that it has properly been defined I can access a therapy course designed to reprogramme my brain, particularly my stress responses (currently not good), and tackle my paranoia and dissociation.
It turns out that a lot of my ways of dealing with the world are not just maladaptive and a bit shady but totally changeable and reversible. My impulsivity, which has always defined me and not always in a good way, is something I can actually overcome through hard work and therapy. The fact that I turn to a bottle or a spending spree when I feel threatened or stressed is not simply part of who I am, it’s a disorder that can be cured or at least managed. I feel a bit like I’ve been given the keys to the kingdom, or at least a shot at getting them.
I’ve been on some nasty medication for the past year that has made me fat and foggy, so that’s not been fun. I’m looking forward to getting to a place where I don’t need it any more and I know it will take time and effort but I feel really positive that this therapy will be the turning point.
If I’m baring my soul here I might as well say that I’ve never really felt normal or real, although I’ve done a reasonable job from time to time in pretending. I’ve somehow managed to bag myself an awesome husband and raise three wonderful children despite my issues. I’ve even held down jobs here and there while wearing my sensible head. But it always comes back to these huge crashes every few years where I harm myself, binge eat, spend all the money and generally fuck up because I don’t feel real, or feel anything, or feel too much.
So that’s where I am. This last year has been a blur of dark thoughts and just getting through the day but 2016 is going to be all about healing and learning. I will get better and I will be awesome. I won’t hide away anymore. I’m going to learn how to believe that people love me and won’t desert me, that I can cope with stresses without harming myself with booze or blades, that my world isn’t going to shatter if I let people see the real me. I’m going to learn who I actually am so I don’t have to use all my multiple faces. I will not be defined by my illnesses and I will be worthy of the good things I have.
Hooooo. I’ll decide whether to post this in a minute <gulp>. It’s quite a raw one.