Admittance.

Standard

This is a hard one to write. My depression has been escalating over the past couple of weeks, all I’ve done is sleep and mope. 

The nasty bitchy voice in my head that tells me I’m horrible and worthless has become deafening lately. It’s like being imprisoned with your worst enemy. I have moments when I can tell it to do one but then at times it becomes too loud to ignore. 

So I’m writing this from a hospital bed while I wait for the crisis team to come and assess me tomorrow. They are talking about admitting me this time. While I’m not thrilled by the idea, I’m at rock bottom and I’ll take any help I can get at this point. 

I should be happy. I have everything I want in life, a fab husband, lovely kids, we live in our dream home and I have a brilliant supportive family around me. But my bastard brain with its wonky wiring is conspiring against me and I feel like I don’t deserve the life I have. I got to the point at the weekend of realising they will all be better off without my toxic input. And now I feel guilty and ashamed that I’ve caused a load more drama for them. I can’t win. I can’t see any path of action that has a good outcome. I suppose the only thing I can do is keep on keeping on but I can’t do that at home. 

So I’m here wrapped in a hospital blanket, unable to sleep and listening to the sounds of the busy ward, hoping that tomorrow someone will have a magic wand they can wave to turn me back into the happy go lucky optimist I used to be. Because I can’t go on like this, ruining everything. 

I hesitated to write this because it shows my extreme weakness, but I figured the one thing my illness can’t take away from me is my honesty. It’s tried, it’s made me lie to my loved ones about just how low I am, but I’m not going to lie anymore. I need help, even though I don’t deserve it. 

I need to get better, but I’m in a race against time as every time I harm myself my odds get worse. I don’t want to gamble with my life anymore, I just need to convince my brain that I’m worth it. All I can see in the mirror is an unemployed fat Eeyore whose existence is pointless.

I know you probably all think I’m pathetic and weak and I don’t blame you, as it’s exactly how I feel. But I won’t give in without a fight and that’s why I’m here in this bed because even at my lowest I was able to tell Rob and ask for help. 

Mental health is the last taboo and I hate that. I refuse to feel ashamed for needing help, although I reserve the right to feel guilty about how my illness plays out. I will keep blogging my thoughts if people want to read them, not just for me but for anyone struggling.  I know it helps me when I read blogs from fellow sufferers so I hope that all my soul baring can have a positive input somehow. The thought makes me feel slightly less pointless. 

I’ll sign off now before I lose my nerve but I’d welcome any comments if you’ve read this far. I want to beat this. I have to. 

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About Just Some Stuff About Us

I live in West Sussex with three bonkers children and a Rock God for a husband. I'm somewhere in my thirties but I frequently have to count on my fingers to remember where exactly. I like to talk about myself and my chums. Some people like to read it.

12 responses »

  1. No, this does not show any weakness.

    This shows your strength. I’ve always been amazed by the way you manage to reach out and help people. It’s absolutely typical of you that you would find a way to talk about mental health even when you’re in a ward. You’re one of the strongest women I know.

  2. Well done sweetie. You’ve been so brilliant and honest. One day at a time. We all love you lots and lots and want to be your army against those voices. So trust Rob, if no-one else; trust your family, & trust us friends: we all think you have a big fat positive part to play in our lives. We need you, in all your guises. You are my fun friend, my trusted ally, my advice giver, cheerleader, supporter, teacher of many, many things – the list goes on. My friend. And I’m quite a good judge of character you know so listen to me. YOU ARE WORTH LOADS. WE NEED YOU IN OUR LIVES. I’m shouting at those voices, not you. I’m right and they are wrong. Love you loads x x x

  3. You are so far from pathetic weak it is unreal. Having to fight with yourself, every minute of every day, is exhausting. The strength it takes to ask for help is massive. I take my hat off to you my love. I’ve followed your blog for a long time. I am with you, albeit from afar xx

  4. This is no more your fault than if you’d come down with cholera or something. You are ill, you need help and you absolutely deserve it. And there are many people who love you and wish you well. XXX

  5. Sam you are not weak. This shows you have the strength to carry on!! You are fantastic lady. With a great family behind you every step of the way. You may feel alone sometimes but you are never alone we your friends and family are with you .

    I feel proud of you for writing about mental health even from your bed. X

    We may not talk much but some people wont know or understand what your feeling until they have been through it. But i do x

    Always here anytime you are such a fantstic lady and amired by many xxx

  6. Sam, this makes complete sense darling… With your honesty you are not only reaching to help yourself but reaching out to others who either have just started dealing with this or perhaps people suffering already unable to be as honest and write their feelings down.
    I am one to Thank you, I can relate to parts of your blog not only in my mind but people close to me.
    What you’ve wrote is true to your heart and with writing it down it can take pressure of your mind.
    I guess it’s some kind of counciling in a way as you’ve released those thoughts and feelings. X
    I haven’t known you for a long period of time but I do feel I can call you a dear friend as we have shared some of our past experiences together.
    I’m here for you to moan,cry,shout,scream,look after kids… Whatever I can help with Hun.
    Keep your spirits high and smile everyday for no reason at all.
    If your low read all your supported messages.
    Your special beyond knowing.
    Much love my my friend xxxx 😘😘

  7. i didn’t want to read and run but to tell you that you are fantastic!
    i can see others have put it more eloquently than me!
    good luck – had been missing your updates and knew you had to be in a bad place
    take care x

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